Gay Agenda


“Gay and lesbian people are equal. They deserve equal protection of the laws, and they deserve it now.” These are the powerful words of Solicitor General Donald B. Verrilli Jr. 


Today the U.S. Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationwide. This curly haired boy can now marry another man! I can pack up my things and move to Mississippi if I wanted to and marry me a fine southern gentleman. Although I’d still probably be shot or lynch mobbed during the wedding reception, but the point is I would be legally married! 


But seriously, this is major. I feel privileged to be living in such a historic time. It’s only been 7 years since Prop 8 banned same-sex marriage here in California in 2008, and 11 years since Massachusetts became the first state to allow gay marriage in 2004. Things seem to have moved relatively quickly, but there was a time when there seemed like no hope for the gay community.

Illegal Love

Before 1962, it was illegal to be gay, period. There were sodomy laws up the wazoo and gays were being thrown into prison left and right. Because that makes so much sense. Let’s persecute gays for having gay sex and then lock them in jail where all they will do is have gay sex. Just not the pleasurable kind. Probably. It’s amazing how much has changed.

Before that, homosexuality was considered a mental illness. Men and women all over the country were subjected to lobotomies and shock treatments just for being themselves. Special drug cocktails were prescribed to help “cure” gay individuals and make them like everybody else. The only thing it did was make them actually sick. 

You think that was bad? Think back 236 years ago; 1779, Thomas Jefferson, Virginia. Ol’ TJ with all the goodness in his heart decided to write a law which called for castration for anyone who engaged in sodomy. Really? Yes, really. And he was being nice since the law at the time called for death as a suitable punishment for gays. 

Here and Now

So, when you think about it, we are really very, very lucky to be living NOW. We’ll never really be able to comprehend all the things our forefathers and foremothers went through. All the shit they had to dig through to get to where we are today. 

Many people will still be angry by this ruling today. They’ll get their already too tight panties in a twist and spout off about the Gay Agenda, the Gay Agenda! 

Well, you’re right. We do have an agenda. It’s been the same agenda since the beginning of time when the first gay caveman realized that he wanted to sleep with Adam instead of Eve. That we are equal in every way to you! And that we will have our equality recognized one day. That has been our only agenda and now all I can say is, “Neener neener neener!” But really, all  I can do is be grateful. Be grateful and shout, “Yasss!”, at the top of my lungs. This truly is a month to be proud. 

 I’m grateful that I can hold hands with another man without being put to death. I’m grateful that I can kiss another man in public without being classified as a sexual deviant. And I’m grateful to be able to put a ring on it, set a date, get all dolled up, and marry that special man in my life. Now, all I gotta do is find me a man.

Lost & Found

 Distraction. We tell ourselves that it’s fun to be distracted, that we need it even, so that we don’t have to feel all those pesky emotions we’re so desperate not to feel. Drugs, food, lust, masturbation, even music. The problem isn’t necessarily with the act itself. It’s the fact that we’re using these acts to dull the pain. The pain of losing a loved one, the pain of breaking up with a lover, the pain of not being able to stand up to someone, the pain of a shitty day at work. The thing is, when we dull the pain, we also dull all the really nice emotions too.


Companies everywhere want you to be addicted to something. In fact, they need you to be addicted so that they can keep selling you the “solution”. Addicted to watching naked people get it on and put in compromising situations? Good. Now we have a reason to shoot a porno and charge you money. Addicted to drugs or food? Great! Here’s another drug to help you get off that other one and here’s an even better drug to help you lose that extra weight you’ve put on. 

There’s always someone somewhere waiting to profit from our addictions. But we need to ask ourselves why we are addicted to begin with. 


Apparently we all love feeling nothing. You could say we are addicted to it. She buys lots of pretty things for herself to cover up the fact that she’s lonely. They comfort her… for a moment. He drinks and parties all day everyday to cover up the fact that he doesn’t know what to say to people and if they saw who he really was they probably wouldn’t like him very much. So he “turns up” and is comforted…for a moment. 

If we’re being painfully honest here, my problem was PMO. Porn Masturbation Orgasm. So many guys have this problem and don’t even realize it’s a problem. I sure didn’t. 


Like so many men, I started as a young boy wanking it out of curiosity. Then curiosity turned to pleasure and pleasure turned into addiction. Every time I felt bad I would PMO. Feeling lonely? PMO. Bad day at work? PMO. Bored? PMO. What I didn’t know, was that every time I would do this a hormone called dopamine was being released in my brain. Dopamine is the “feel good” hormone and acts as a reward system every time we do something that feels good. The problem is, dopamine will start to only be released when you do that specific thing that makes you feel really good. Eventually nothing else in life will feel as rewarding. Everything else will begin to feel dull and boring and unfulfilling. You feel lost and depressed, seemingly for no reason, and the only thing that brightens your day, is your addiction. 

Addiction is addiction. The brain can’t decipher if your on drugs or watching porn and it really doesn’t care. All it wants is to not feel bad. It wants to stash those emotions away and just feel good if only for a moment.

Well, that moment is fleeting and pretty soon those emotions find their way to the surface and we need to smother and stuff them back down again. Or do we? What would happen if we let those thoughts and feelings come up? We’d feel sad, and mad, and jealous, and afraid. To most people, these are bad things to feel. But we were given emotions for a reason. We are meant to feel all of them, the full spectrum. 

Into the Woods

You need to go through the forest in order to get passed it, right? It’s basic logic, but everyone, myself included, always chooses the hard way (disguised as the easy way). We try to find a way around the forest because it’s dark and creepy and there’s lions and tigers and bears, oh my! 

But Dorothy had to venture through the darkness before she could come out the other side. True, she was met with even more terrifying darkness once she came out that other side, but by that time she had seen so much. She had gained three new friends and a newfound confidence. She got the nerve to face her fear and ended up victorious. And so can we.

It’s impossible to feel nothing and feel happy at the same time. So far we’ve all been content with feeling nothing because it feels better than feeling bad. I don’t know about you, but that just isn’t enough for me. I don’t want to fucking settle and neither should you. 

Angels and Devils

Look at it this way. There are at least two voices in our heads, right? The positive and the negative. When we drown our sorrow and dull our pain, the positive voice becomes harder and harder to hear and the negative one takes over, eventually becoming the only thing we hear and listen to. We start to believe that things are hopeless. Things will never get better, so we should settle on what we’ve been given and keep doing things that hurt ourselves because the pain only lasts for a little while, right? Wrong! 

The pain keeps coming back until you deal with it head on. The universe will keep throwing things at you until you do. It’s basically saying, “Hey you! You’re not fucking getting it yet, are you?! Well don’t worry, I got something really special for you next, mothafucka!” Okay, maybe it’s not quite that harsh, but you get the idea.     

Being Human

If we learn to let ourselves feel the way humans were designed to feel, then we’ll come to life again. Personally, I don’t want to feel numb. I don’t want to feel nothing. I want to feel everything. I want the smallest things to give me pleasure like a clear blue sky or when someone makes me giggle. Ha, I said giggle. 

We need to be children again. We can take a cue from them, they’ve got the right idea. Everything is new to them and they find happiness in the simple things. They haven’t been corrupted by us adults yet. 

Feeling Myself 

I think I’m back to normal and feeling like my old self again. It’s safe to say that I won’t be touching myself anytime soon. I’ll save the goods for an actual person. A special person. Someone just as special as me. 

Until then there are other pleasures to be had. There are so many things I want to do in life. I just have to remember that feeling happy, trumps feeling content every time. So, how are you going to feel today?

Enjoy The Ride


I’ve decided that 30 is the new 20. I’ll be 28 years old in 2 months and I still feel like a kid. From what I’ve heard, this feeling lessens a little as we age, but never really goes away. That’s a good thing because no one wants to feel old and decrepit on top of being old and decrepit. No one wants to feel useless.

Which direction?
Perhaps, in my case, I still feel like a youngin’ because I’m not sure what I’m doing with my life. I have no direction at the moment which is a little scary, but liberating at the same time. It means I can do anything I want. I just need to decide what it is that I want. That’s the hard part.

Bipolar much?
It seems like I’ve had so many wants and I’m always changing my mind. I’ve wanted to be an actor, a massage therapist, a writer, and now I’ve taken up sewing classes so I can learn to make my own clothes. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person, hopping around from whim to whim, but I’m being guided by my heart and I don’t know where it’ll take me.

Curiouser and curiouser
Life can be a lot like Alice in Wonderland for people who don’t have a plan. We are all taught to go through life on a straight path, but maybe it’s not supposed to be like that for everyone. Maybe the road is supposed to be bumpy and windy, and have twists and turns. And even if you make plans they probably won’t turn out the way you thought they would. It’s probably best to just enjoy the ride because certain things are out of our control.

Tick fucking tock
As for getting older, there is a lot of pressure from society to have certain things accomplished by the time you are 30, 40, 50, etc. Gotta be married, have kids, have the perfect career kinda thing. The clock is ticking. Oh, is the clock ticking, is it? Well, fuck the clock! I’d really rather not be told what to do so I think I’ll just wing it. In a sense, I need to put my foot down and go back to being a stubborn little boy. A stubborn little curly haired boy.

The plan
I’ll just continue to change my hair when I feel like it, continue keeping my eyes open for that special someone, and continue changing career prospects when the last one gets old. I can make up my own rules, right?

So what’s the plan? To just sit back and put my feet up. New opportunities are always being thrown at us. We just have to choose which we like and which we don’t like. What comes after that really isn’t up to us.

That LA Life


LA is dead.
Where is that California sun?
Where is the carefree, laid back, sunny, easy, breezy, beautiful life that I was promised?
Nothing is promised.
Nothing is guaranteed.
Nothing is as advertised.
All Day I Dream About Someone’s advertisement
Billboards, posters, and signs all telling me what to want, what to think, what to do
Advertisements whispering to me
Subtly telling me the things I need to change about myself
Advertisements asking me to join their cause for this and join their fight for that
All wanting something from me
But I want some things too
I do want to buy your ice cream sometimes
I do want to wear your clothes sometimes
I want to agree with you sometimes
I want to feel your hand against mine
I want you to kiss me
I want you to want my body
And I want you to look at me…sometimes

LA is withering.
A brown haze shields the city from the real world
A thin film covers buildings, roads, street signs, even people
And it’s not just dirt
It’s a kind of unspoken blanket
A security blanket that ensures this city, and it’s inhabitants, never reaches its full potential
It keeps it from becoming great or nifty or even amusing

LA is a ghost town.
There are so many people, but no one knows each other…or wants to
It is a town and an age of indifference
You could walk past your own neighbor on the street and never even realize it
Those film covered buildings are remnants of a world that doesn’t exist anymore
A world where people lived and danced and got to know each other because they had no other choice
A world full of theaters, and speakeasies, and writers, and singers, and actors who wanted to entertain you instead of a world of meth, and pretend beggars, and radio charts, and iPhones, and crowded living rooms where nothing is really said and television sets that don’t really show you anything and people longing to be famous for the sake of being famous

LA is Oz.
A glistening, glamorous wizard distracting you from its flaws
It’s a city with a Ted Bundy smile
It’s good looks and charms have the power to ruin you if you let it
Just ditch the sunglasses and your eyesight will improve

But this is just an opinion from just one person
A person who has been in this city for probably too long or perhaps not long enough
Maybe your city isn’t unlike mine
Or maybe your room has a view of a city worth seeing
A city full of life and character or at least a decent subway system
As for LA, I’m not about that life these days

It’s Not About Measles


Vaccine: A biological preparation that provides active acquired immunity to a particular disease.

Vaccines are supposed to protect us. They are supposed to keep the germs and diseases away from us and our children. So then why would anyone out there refuse these magic bullets? Because some people have done their research.

Because I said so
We’ve been told that vaccines prevent certain illnesses and that they are needed in order for us all to develop immunity to disease. If doctors are telling us that these injections are needed, then we should listen to them, right? We should listen to them simply because they are doctors and they know best, right?

Many concerned parents do not subscribe to this way of thinking. They have been called the anti-vax parents. They believe it is their right to not vaccinate their children if they so choose. That’s the key word: choice. It is a choice.

What’s the f$&@ing problem?!
Anti-vaxxers have been ridiculed and scolded for their decision not to vaccinate. They’ve been called irresponsible and reckless for exposing other children to their own unvaccinated offspring. But why are they making such a fuss to begin with? Are they just stubborn? Ignorant? Are they all just anti-government kooks spouting incessant nonsense? Umm…no.

The Facts
Anti-vaxxers believe they are doing what is right for their children. They have done their research and have found several questionable ingredients in our precious vaccines. On the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention website, it lists ingredients commonly used in vaccinations such as formaldehyde, which is a chemical used in home building products. It is also found in embalming fluid, which is used to preserve dead bodies.

Another vaccine ingredient is Thimerasol. This is a mercury-containing preservative. Umm…enough said. Mercury?! Why is there mercury being injected into our bodies?!
The CDC claims it is used as a preservative to prevent certain bacteria growth and it has been removed from most vaccines except certain influenza vaccines and even then, it is only used in trace amounts.
How about we use it in no amounts!

Parents are concerned that vaccine ingredients such as these are potentially harmful to them and their children. Some even go as far as to say that vaccines cause birth defects, Autism, and SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). I don’t know if vaccines cause these problems and the medical industry claims that there is no link between the two, but why put these chemicals into our bodies at all?

Yes I’m sure these chemicals have their uses and doctors have their reasons for adding them to our vaccines, but isn’t it better safe than sorry? If I had to choose between having formaldehyde, mercury, and blood from a cow fetus being put into my body or nothing, I would choose nothing. And that is what these parents are choosing to do because they have a choice.

Many of these rebellious parents are being pressured by the medical industry to either vaccinate their children or they will be taken off doctor’s lists and refused care. They are being barred from certain schools unless they vaccinate their children.

The latest Disneyland incident involving Measles is just a symptom of what is really wrong with this system. It is being made to seem that if you don’t vaccinate your kid then they will automatically get sick with the Measles or some other disease and they will infect every other child too. This is ludicrous!

It’s supposed to be a choice and people shouldn’t be condemned for choosing not to put potentially harmful chemicals, no matter how small the amount, into their bodies or the bodies of their children.

It’s about authority
These people are being reprimanded for having questions. How dare they?! How dare they want the best for their children! How dare they challenge authority in any way!

And that’s what this is really about. Authority. If people start to question and challenge authority, then authority begins to lose its power. The medical industry begins to lose its power. And those guys are supposed to be right about everything. They are supposed to have our best interest at heart. They are supposed to tell us the truth. But what if the truth is they don’t know everything? What if they don’t know what is best for each and every individual person?

What is right for you?
I won’t say that the medical industry is evil and out to get everyone, but I will ask you to not be afraid to question them. Doctors know a lot, but I will ask you to always look for alternatives if something doesn’t sit well with you. And I will ask you to always do what is right for you, whatever that may be.

Facts are important, but it’s even more important that you have all of the facts. And remember, we were given intuition for a reason. If we weren’t meant to think for ourselves we wouldn’t have the ability to begin with.

The facts are out there. We just have to decide whether we want to know about them or not.

Resolutionize A New Year


I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want out of life. It’s a new year which usually causes people to re-evaluate their lives. We look back at our previous year and frown at all the things we didn’t accomplish. We worry that yet another year has gone by without us ever really noticing it. There are still so many things we want to do, but haven’t gotten around to yet. A new year seems like the perfect remedy for that. It’s a chance to start all over again. A chance to wipe clean everything that was wrong with yesterday so that today is all shiny and new and “fresh with no mistakes in it”.

The way we were
Technically, we can do this at any moment in our lives, but New Years always seems like a good excuse to change and improve ourselves. It’s exciting because everyone seems to be doing it at the same time. There’s an energy in the air full of resolutions and hope. People everywhere begin to believe they can make their dreams come true, even if only for a moment. That’s important. It’s also important to remember that we don’t really need to know what’s going to happen next for us.

Something blissful this way comes
In a weird way I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life. My wants have changed several times, but I always had some sort of plan to get where I wanted to go. First I wanted to be an artist, then an actor, then I was sure I was going to be a writer. Now I have no idea what I want. This made me feel lost for awhile and terrified that I didn’t have a plan. I felt like a failure and that I was letting people and myself down. But now I realize that I don’t need to know what my next chapter will be. I never could have predicted the things that happened to me last year. I met my half sister for the first time. She moved in with me and now I’ll know her for the rest of my life. I went to Chicago for the first time and got to see Lady Gaga in concert. And I started this blog. This little blog that came to me one day because I needed an outlet, a way of expressing myself to the world.

There’s no way I could’ve predicted any of those things would happen and I won’t be able to predict what’s in store for me this upcoming year. But that’s okay. I don’t want to know. That’s part of the adventure, the fun. It’ll be a bit scary at times of course. We’re taught to plan and make goals, but sometimes it’s better to just let life introduce itself to you.

Let’s Resolutionize
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to try my darnedest to relax and just float my way through this year. As long as I can make rent, put food on my table, am in reasonably good health, and have people who care about me I think I’ll be just fine. Those are all the tools I need. The rest of my life will slowly introduce itself to me and being the polite little boy that I am, I’ll just have to introduce myself to it too.

Enjoy the beginning of your New Year, New Life, New Adventure.