Lost & Found

 Distraction. We tell ourselves that it’s fun to be distracted, that we need it even, so that we don’t have to feel all those pesky emotions we’re so desperate not to feel. Drugs, food, lust, masturbation, even music. The problem isn’t necessarily with the act itself. It’s the fact that we’re using these acts to dull the pain. The pain of losing a loved one, the pain of breaking up with a lover, the pain of not being able to stand up to someone, the pain of a shitty day at work. The thing is, when we dull the pain, we also dull all the really nice emotions too.


Companies everywhere want you to be addicted to something. In fact, they need you to be addicted so that they can keep selling you the “solution”. Addicted to watching naked people get it on and put in compromising situations? Good. Now we have a reason to shoot a porno and charge you money. Addicted to drugs or food? Great! Here’s another drug to help you get off that other one and here’s an even better drug to help you lose that extra weight you’ve put on. 

There’s always someone somewhere waiting to profit from our addictions. But we need to ask ourselves why we are addicted to begin with. 


Apparently we all love feeling nothing. You could say we are addicted to it. She buys lots of pretty things for herself to cover up the fact that she’s lonely. They comfort her… for a moment. He drinks and parties all day everyday to cover up the fact that he doesn’t know what to say to people and if they saw who he really was they probably wouldn’t like him very much. So he “turns up” and is comforted…for a moment. 

If we’re being painfully honest here, my problem was PMO. Porn Masturbation Orgasm. So many guys have this problem and don’t even realize it’s a problem. I sure didn’t. 


Like so many men, I started as a young boy wanking it out of curiosity. Then curiosity turned to pleasure and pleasure turned into addiction. Every time I felt bad I would PMO. Feeling lonely? PMO. Bad day at work? PMO. Bored? PMO. What I didn’t know, was that every time I would do this a hormone called dopamine was being released in my brain. Dopamine is the “feel good” hormone and acts as a reward system every time we do something that feels good. The problem is, dopamine will start to only be released when you do that specific thing that makes you feel really good. Eventually nothing else in life will feel as rewarding. Everything else will begin to feel dull and boring and unfulfilling. You feel lost and depressed, seemingly for no reason, and the only thing that brightens your day, is your addiction. 

Addiction is addiction. The brain can’t decipher if your on drugs or watching porn and it really doesn’t care. All it wants is to not feel bad. It wants to stash those emotions away and just feel good if only for a moment.

Well, that moment is fleeting and pretty soon those emotions find their way to the surface and we need to smother and stuff them back down again. Or do we? What would happen if we let those thoughts and feelings come up? We’d feel sad, and mad, and jealous, and afraid. To most people, these are bad things to feel. But we were given emotions for a reason. We are meant to feel all of them, the full spectrum. 

Into the Woods

You need to go through the forest in order to get passed it, right? It’s basic logic, but everyone, myself included, always chooses the hard way (disguised as the easy way). We try to find a way around the forest because it’s dark and creepy and there’s lions and tigers and bears, oh my! 

But Dorothy had to venture through the darkness before she could come out the other side. True, she was met with even more terrifying darkness once she came out that other side, but by that time she had seen so much. She had gained three new friends and a newfound confidence. She got the nerve to face her fear and ended up victorious. And so can we.

It’s impossible to feel nothing and feel happy at the same time. So far we’ve all been content with feeling nothing because it feels better than feeling bad. I don’t know about you, but that just isn’t enough for me. I don’t want to fucking settle and neither should you. 

Angels and Devils

Look at it this way. There are at least two voices in our heads, right? The positive and the negative. When we drown our sorrow and dull our pain, the positive voice becomes harder and harder to hear and the negative one takes over, eventually becoming the only thing we hear and listen to. We start to believe that things are hopeless. Things will never get better, so we should settle on what we’ve been given and keep doing things that hurt ourselves because the pain only lasts for a little while, right? Wrong! 

The pain keeps coming back until you deal with it head on. The universe will keep throwing things at you until you do. It’s basically saying, “Hey you! You’re not fucking getting it yet, are you?! Well don’t worry, I got something really special for you next, mothafucka!” Okay, maybe it’s not quite that harsh, but you get the idea.     

Being Human

If we learn to let ourselves feel the way humans were designed to feel, then we’ll come to life again. Personally, I don’t want to feel numb. I don’t want to feel nothing. I want to feel everything. I want the smallest things to give me pleasure like a clear blue sky or when someone makes me giggle. Ha, I said giggle. 

We need to be children again. We can take a cue from them, they’ve got the right idea. Everything is new to them and they find happiness in the simple things. They haven’t been corrupted by us adults yet. 

Feeling Myself 

I think I’m back to normal and feeling like my old self again. It’s safe to say that I won’t be touching myself anytime soon. I’ll save the goods for an actual person. A special person. Someone just as special as me. 

Until then there are other pleasures to be had. There are so many things I want to do in life. I just have to remember that feeling happy, trumps feeling content every time. So, how are you going to feel today?

Enjoy The Ride


I’ve decided that 30 is the new 20. I’ll be 28 years old in 2 months and I still feel like a kid. From what I’ve heard, this feeling lessens a little as we age, but never really goes away. That’s a good thing because no one wants to feel old and decrepit on top of being old and decrepit. No one wants to feel useless.

Which direction?
Perhaps, in my case, I still feel like a youngin’ because I’m not sure what I’m doing with my life. I have no direction at the moment which is a little scary, but liberating at the same time. It means I can do anything I want. I just need to decide what it is that I want. That’s the hard part.

Bipolar much?
It seems like I’ve had so many wants and I’m always changing my mind. I’ve wanted to be an actor, a massage therapist, a writer, and now I’ve taken up sewing classes so I can learn to make my own clothes. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person, hopping around from whim to whim, but I’m being guided by my heart and I don’t know where it’ll take me.

Curiouser and curiouser
Life can be a lot like Alice in Wonderland for people who don’t have a plan. We are all taught to go through life on a straight path, but maybe it’s not supposed to be like that for everyone. Maybe the road is supposed to be bumpy and windy, and have twists and turns. And even if you make plans they probably won’t turn out the way you thought they would. It’s probably best to just enjoy the ride because certain things are out of our control.

Tick fucking tock
As for getting older, there is a lot of pressure from society to have certain things accomplished by the time you are 30, 40, 50, etc. Gotta be married, have kids, have the perfect career kinda thing. The clock is ticking. Oh, is the clock ticking, is it? Well, fuck the clock! I’d really rather not be told what to do so I think I’ll just wing it. In a sense, I need to put my foot down and go back to being a stubborn little boy. A stubborn little curly haired boy.

The plan
I’ll just continue to change my hair when I feel like it, continue keeping my eyes open for that special someone, and continue changing career prospects when the last one gets old. I can make up my own rules, right?

So what’s the plan? To just sit back and put my feet up. New opportunities are always being thrown at us. We just have to choose which we like and which we don’t like. What comes after that really isn’t up to us.

That LA Life


LA is dead.
Where is that California sun?
Where is the carefree, laid back, sunny, easy, breezy, beautiful life that I was promised?
Nothing is promised.
Nothing is guaranteed.
Nothing is as advertised.
All Day I Dream About Someone’s advertisement
Billboards, posters, and signs all telling me what to want, what to think, what to do
Advertisements whispering to me
Subtly telling me the things I need to change about myself
Advertisements asking me to join their cause for this and join their fight for that
All wanting something from me
But I want some things too
I do want to buy your ice cream sometimes
I do want to wear your clothes sometimes
I want to agree with you sometimes
I want to feel your hand against mine
I want you to kiss me
I want you to want my body
And I want you to look at me…sometimes

LA is withering.
A brown haze shields the city from the real world
A thin film covers buildings, roads, street signs, even people
And it’s not just dirt
It’s a kind of unspoken blanket
A security blanket that ensures this city, and it’s inhabitants, never reaches its full potential
It keeps it from becoming great or nifty or even amusing

LA is a ghost town.
There are so many people, but no one knows each other…or wants to
It is a town and an age of indifference
You could walk past your own neighbor on the street and never even realize it
Those film covered buildings are remnants of a world that doesn’t exist anymore
A world where people lived and danced and got to know each other because they had no other choice
A world full of theaters, and speakeasies, and writers, and singers, and actors who wanted to entertain you instead of a world of meth, and pretend beggars, and radio charts, and iPhones, and crowded living rooms where nothing is really said and television sets that don’t really show you anything and people longing to be famous for the sake of being famous

LA is Oz.
A glistening, glamorous wizard distracting you from its flaws
It’s a city with a Ted Bundy smile
It’s good looks and charms have the power to ruin you if you let it
Just ditch the sunglasses and your eyesight will improve

But this is just an opinion from just one person
A person who has been in this city for probably too long or perhaps not long enough
Maybe your city isn’t unlike mine
Or maybe your room has a view of a city worth seeing
A city full of life and character or at least a decent subway system
As for LA, I’m not about that life these days

Resolutionize A New Year


I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want out of life. It’s a new year which usually causes people to re-evaluate their lives. We look back at our previous year and frown at all the things we didn’t accomplish. We worry that yet another year has gone by without us ever really noticing it. There are still so many things we want to do, but haven’t gotten around to yet. A new year seems like the perfect remedy for that. It’s a chance to start all over again. A chance to wipe clean everything that was wrong with yesterday so that today is all shiny and new and “fresh with no mistakes in it”.

The way we were
Technically, we can do this at any moment in our lives, but New Years always seems like a good excuse to change and improve ourselves. It’s exciting because everyone seems to be doing it at the same time. There’s an energy in the air full of resolutions and hope. People everywhere begin to believe they can make their dreams come true, even if only for a moment. That’s important. It’s also important to remember that we don’t really need to know what’s going to happen next for us.

Something blissful this way comes
In a weird way I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life. My wants have changed several times, but I always had some sort of plan to get where I wanted to go. First I wanted to be an artist, then an actor, then I was sure I was going to be a writer. Now I have no idea what I want. This made me feel lost for awhile and terrified that I didn’t have a plan. I felt like a failure and that I was letting people and myself down. But now I realize that I don’t need to know what my next chapter will be. I never could have predicted the things that happened to me last year. I met my half sister for the first time. She moved in with me and now I’ll know her for the rest of my life. I went to Chicago for the first time and got to see Lady Gaga in concert. And I started this blog. This little blog that came to me one day because I needed an outlet, a way of expressing myself to the world.

There’s no way I could’ve predicted any of those things would happen and I won’t be able to predict what’s in store for me this upcoming year. But that’s okay. I don’t want to know. That’s part of the adventure, the fun. It’ll be a bit scary at times of course. We’re taught to plan and make goals, but sometimes it’s better to just let life introduce itself to you.

Let’s Resolutionize
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to try my darnedest to relax and just float my way through this year. As long as I can make rent, put food on my table, am in reasonably good health, and have people who care about me I think I’ll be just fine. Those are all the tools I need. The rest of my life will slowly introduce itself to me and being the polite little boy that I am, I’ll just have to introduce myself to it too.

Enjoy the beginning of your New Year, New Life, New Adventure.




I’ve been writing for a gay male massage website (massagem4m.com) for a couple months and my first gay massage experience story has finally been published on the site. Check it out, but beware it gets a little steamy:

WARNING! GRAPHIC MATERIAL! #blog #gay #massage

Click on link below:


Is Social Media Ruining Our Lives?


A girl I am friends with on Facebook recently announced that she has made the decision to delete the Facebook app and forego social media altogether. She claims “We spend so much time worrying about other people that we don’t take time to really improve on ourselves” so she’s decided to go and find the “real” her. Here is her announcement:


She’s certainly not the first person to take such a drastic action. Many people have deleted their accounts. I myself have often toyed with the idea of cutting social media out of my life, then had a panic attack so I quickly changed my mind.

Many have never even had social media accounts to begin with and are the happier for it. So the question is: Would our lives really benefit from deleting Facebook and social media for good?

Does Facebook lead to unhappiness?
Studies show that people check their Facebook accounts an average of 14 times a day. That’s an awful lot of time being spent looking at other people’s lives instead of living our own. There are so many other activities we could be doing, but instead we are choosing to compare our lives to others all day. We’ve become such a voyeuristic society, watching what other people do instead of taking time to improve our own lives. We spend hours reading negative comments which then makes us feel bad. And we seem to be permanently glued to our devices like drug addicts, causing us to lose sleep, which can lead to memory loss.

We see things on Facebook and instagram that other people have and we wish we had it too. We see people who seem to be living perfect lives and have perfect relationships and we begin to get thirsty for everything they have. This envy leads to drama, and drama leads to depression, and depression leads to… the dark side. But is social media really to blame?


We have a choice
No one is forcing us to check our social networks as often as we do or even at all. We have always had a choice. But it doesn’t have to be between using social media and not using social media. It doesn’t have to be between a good option and a bad option. Most things in this world are neither good or bad; they just are. And social media is no exception. It is nothing more than a tool. Whether it’s a useful tool or a hinderance is up to you.

When I’m already feeling low and insecure, I can always count on Facebook and instagram to make me feel even worse. I am reminded of the relationship I’m not in, of the hard washboard abs I don’t have, and the expensive schools I didn’t go to. But this isn’t social media’s fault. This is something only I can mend.

For every person having a negative response to social media, there is someone having a positive one. Instead, they are finding things to laugh about. They are being inspired by quotes posted or being happy for others’ successes. It’s all how you decide to look at things.

Get some perspective
So take a moment to see what your situation is like. Do you find yourself being more excited and inspired the more you use social media or more depressed?


Maybe taking a social media vacation is the answer for you. It’s easy to blame Facebook, or technology, or other people. But nothing really has meaning unless we give it meaning. So why not give it a positive one?

Choose to appreciate the positive aspects of social media. And if you just can’t, then take break until you can. Choose to use the social network in moderation. Learn to see it as a tool instead of the enemy.


Because technology and social media are here to stay and will be a part of our lives in some form or another. So we might as well all get along.

Vision Board


I’ve been wanting to make a vision board for a long time now. I’ve made one in the past, but it’s been awhile so I thought what better time than the present?

A vision what?
What’s a vision board you ask? A vision board is a tool to help you figure out what you want your life to look like. Most people cut and paste pictures and quotes from magazines onto a large poster board. You can put whatever you want on the board. This is your chance to dream and dream big without anyone there to tell you that you’re being silly or that those things will never happen for you. It’s personal and is best shared only with people you trust.

I tend to have more luck when I “Speak things into existence” as my sister says so I thought I’d share my vision board with all of you. I didn’t feel like spending money to actually buy a board and since we are in the digital age I thought a digital vision board would suffice. I divided my board into the areas of my life that I want to focus and improve on:

1. Love


I want a man like Garrett Hedlund. His good looks and Midwestern values make him an ideal candidate for a husband, but don’t let that pretty face fool you. He’s intelligent, respectful, strong, and isn’t afraid to be naughty once in awhile. And that voice!

He has a mystery to him that makes me want to know more. He is always thinking, but somehow doesn’t sweat the little things in life and prefers to make the most of what he’s been given. Ahh take me now, Garrett.

2. Career


I want to be a writer. I am a writer, but I want the luxury of being able to write about whatever I want and get paid for it. I currently write for a massage website and am grateful for it, but my dream is to be Carrie Bradshaw. How amazing would it be to get paid to write about all the sex you’re having? All the messed up relationships, heartbreaks, and life lessons? To be able to work from home and have copious amounts of free time would be my ideal job. Then I’d have the time and money to travel wherever and whenever I want. New York, call me.

3. Fashion


“I’m evolving my look”, as Carrie once said. As I get older, I want to experiment with fashion. I want to try bolder styles and play with androgyny. We are living in a time when people can basically wear whatever they want, but me in a full length gown is still a daunting notion. I want to blur the lines between masculine and feminine and have been shopping in both the men’s and women’s sections lately. Women’s clothes are more creative, fit me better, and are vastly more affordable. I’m excited to evolve and to continue to try new things simply because I can.

4. Home


I love my little studio apartment here in Hollywood, but this is a vision board and improvements are always welcome. These pictures represent how I want my place to feel. I want my home to feel modern, uncluttered, and simple. It is my sanctuary, my temple. It is my home and I want it to feel warm and inviting so that others will feel at home there too when they visit. I want a big bed that will make me and my man never want to leave it. Get back under the covers, Garrett! Who said you could put your clothes back on?!

It’s up to you
These are your dreams. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you that you can’t make them come true. A vision board is a wish list, so make some wishes and don’t censor yourself. Give yourself permission to want what you want.

Remember a vision board is only a tool. It won’t make things happen for you all on its own. But it will help you pinpoint what you want and how you want to feel. Then you’ll be inspired to make things happen for yourself. Because you can’t get what you want until you actually know what you want.

Oh, and I’ve heard it’s always best to tell yourself and the universe that you want all of these things or something better. Our imaginations, powerful as they are, can only imagine so many possibilities. Don’t get hung up on too specific of an idea. Instead focus on the feeling of that idea and let the universe manifest it in whatever way it thinks is most beneficial to you. Now, make a wish.